I have been meaning to go to Berlin for years. That it is so close and easy to get to is why I have never managed it till now; that is often the way, because planning big exotic trips to faraway places is always easier because you actually have to plan them, popping over to Berlin is akin to a weekend jaunt and always gets put off.
Luckily for me my friend Yeesan was going to be there and was coming from NYC and I could hardly make excuses to not catch up with her there, even if it was midwinter.
So glad I did. I feel profoundly in love with the place, there is an atmosphere that I have still not quite figured out about the place, but it is poignant and feels almost crushed by the weight of history. The somewhat grizzly weather only added to this and bothered me not one bit (one is spoiled living in BCN, so a change is as good as a rest).
For the first time, in a long time I felt like I was finally at home, except of course, I wasn’t. Years living in far off countries, standing out as a foreigner , understanding everything and here I feel I could blend in and except I understand nothing.
Even whilst there I was making fervent plans to get back ASAP and also worrying that this might be a precursor to another relocation, which I want to avoid as it is so stressful and does not solve any deeper dissatisfaction one might have with life or ones circumstances.
I have decided to instead look at this as a possible sharing of my time between the 2 places, if i can find some decent work angles there that is.
Whatever happens, at least I feel fired up again and if things worked out and I was no longer dependent on trying to survive financially in BCN (which is onerous due attitude of the locals to paying for creative services) then I might actually enjoy living here more, because it does have so much going for it.
I guess the biggest problem I have is that it has dawned on me that I have kind of slept walked through the last 5 years here; it is so easy to do, to subsist at a level which is comfortable whilst your brain turns to mush. Time to fight the ennui and get serious, hopefully Berlin can help with that.